Wednesday Snark: Responsibly Content Meals

7 07 2010

Time now for another installment of me complaining about stuff. Because frankly, if I don’t do it, who’s going to?

No more toys in Happy Meals. No more running on grass. And stop smiling so much!

Could someone please stop the mindless assault on childhood, fun, and enjoyment of life?

It seems that every year, some new group of overly-concerned, hand-wringing, anti-bacterial-that-before-touching-it adults begins howling about a new danger to our lives. For example, we now “know” that the following are bad, dangerous, or generally unwholesome:

•  Fat
•  Salt
•  Sugar
•  Caffeine
•  Protein
•  Carbohydrates
•  Drinking alcohol
•  Not drinking alcohol
•  Eating fish
•  Not eating fish
•  Vegetables and fruits that are not purely organic, and really not farmed at all, preferably found in the deep woods near a pure mountain stream and with no snakes nearby
•  Bottled water
•  Tap water
•  River water
•  Rain water
•  The ocean
•  Air
•  Sunlight
•  Absolutely anything manufactured, grown or even found near, China. Especially toys.
•  Television
•  The internet

Now that adults have declared all food, air, water, leisure and the entire surface of the earth to be bad for themselves, and with nothing left to suck the joy out of and leave a gray, lifeless husk behind, they are going after the only source of happiness left to human life: childhood.

Eating lots of fast food makes kids fat. Fact. Kids like toys. Fact. Kids like toys and fast food that comes in happy little boxes with cartoons on them. Fact. So the answer MUST be to outlaw such things! While we’re at it, lets get rid of these unhealthy cakes at birthdays. They, too, are linked with toys and even singing! It’s as if the adults at these “birthday parties” feel it’s acceptable to celebrate any aspect of life that is not continuously sustainable for at least 50 years.

My FB response:
“CSPI officials plan to target the birthday party industry next.

‘The unhealthy combination of high-sugar, high-fat, low-protein cakes with singing and toys is a disturbing trend in our society,’ one staffer commented.

‘Every day, millions of children are bombarded with the message that it’s OK to spend small portions of their lives responsibly enjoying things without constantly panicking over their long-term health. I mean, these people actually hold these events EVERY YEAR of a child’s life. This MUST end!’

As evidence of the growing problem of marketing high-calorie foods and toys to children on their birthdays, CSPI noted that not one child aged 4-10 surveyed could present a reasonable health plan for maintaining their weight and cholesterol through age 70.”

From now on, McDonalds will serve plain, recycled, no-wax boxes made locally from invasive species that contain: Sustainably raised, free-range soy patties; organic celery; probiotic yogurt that requires no refrigeration other than storage in McDonalds’ new hand-dug root cellars; a pamphlet entitled “Your Colon: He’s Your Special Pal” targeted at 3-7 year-olds, printed on recycled paper with soy-based ink on a hand-press by a vegan woman. Also, they will now be called “Responsibly Content Meals.”

OR, we could exercise that part of brains that contains self control. We could eat at McDonalds only sometimes. We could allow our kids to play video games and watch TV, but limit their time in front of the screen. We could tell them why they can’t have a Happy Meal everyday, and teach them to appreciate healthy foods and active lifestyles, the same way we encourage them to read books and not hit each other.

We could stop trying to turn our children into probiotic, antiseptic, intellectual, vegan, miniature versions of what we think therapists would like us to be, and just teach them to be thoughtful and responsible.

Or we could panic and outlaw everything. Either way.

(Note: Not trying to crack on you vegan folks, here. I’m just using y’all as an example of a restrictive lifestyle that should be taken on by choice, not out of shame. Nothin’ but love for your little granola-chewin’ heads!)

Women to women: “Wow, congratulations! Hag.”

Ladies, I love you. I really do. Women are just awesome. You’re so utterly different from men, and thank you for it. You think differently, you’re good at things we’re not, you provide color and contrast and variety to the lives of men. You delight in keeping in touch with people you have not seen in 3 years. You’re pretty. You smell nice. You don’t have hairy chests.

So when are you going to stop cracking on each other?

Jeez. I have to be honest with you: This is not something that would happen amongst us men-folk. When we take shots at each other, it’s for one of two reasons. Either we’re jealous:”He’s got a ________ and a I don’t.” Fill in with things like Ferrari, yacht, 60″ TV, vacation house, high-powered job, Swiss bank account, girlfriend who looks like Megan Fox, etc.

Or, we don’t like him because he is somehow threatening. “He’s ________. ” Fill in with things like “abusive to animals, racist, a heroin dealer, criminally insane, on fire right now, touching my girlfriend’s ass, touching my ass, etc.”

Most of the time, we’re OK with acknowledging the reason. Yeah, most of us don’t like Brad Pitt. But that’s because he has lots of money, is drinking buddies with George Clooney and sleeps next to Angelina Jolie. We don’t begrudge him his success. We just covet it.

But you ladies actually take shots at each other purely to cut one another down. “We want more women on TV! But NOT her!  She’s pretty and men will want to look at her. And not her either! She’s smart, but she WANTS men to look at her. And not her either! Because men don’t want to look at her and you’re discriminating against her because she’s not pretty!”

Listen, it’s OK to want men to look at you. It’s OK if men do look at you. Trust me when I say, we’re not going to stop, regardless of what you say or do. Somewhere around 12 we suddenly see a girl and say to ourselves “Oh. A girl. OH. Wait. That’s kind of cool …” and that’s it. From that moment until death, we’re looking at you. You really don’t have to try as hard as you do. We appreciate it, but we’re going to look anyway. So quit hacking at one another and just enjoy the attention when it suits you, OK?

‘Nuff said.